Celebrity Visits, Wars, Scented Pens
by xKensee
Summary: Jacob caused a war by saying a bad pun, now there is a war in forks and random celebrities are showing up? Also Renesmee and Chace Crawford get married, Bella has dibs on Tyson Ritters, Emmett immitates Flava Flave...
1. Aresting Jacob, Tyson Ritters

**For all of this random story, I do not own Twilight or characters.**

**Aresting Jacob (Tyson Ritters)**

Bella: -Runs into Cullen house and hugs Edward, sobbing-

Edward: "Bella, what's going on?"

Bella: "Jacob..."

Edward: -sighs and thinks _another Jacob story_-

Bella: "He said something terrible!"

Alice: -foresees what Bella will say- "Oh, that's just awful Bella!"

Edward: "What?!"

Bella: "He said... he was... 'HOT' for me... then he put a thermometer on his head and said 'yup, real hot!'"

Edward: "GASP! That's the worst pun ever!"

Alice: "This means war!"

_Emmett appears_

Emmett: "Let's beat 'em like clowns beat the happiness out of small children!"

Jasper: "I'm in!"

Emmett: "Where is Jasper coming from?" -looks around- "He's not here! OMC, he's invisible!" -squeals in his fangirl way-

Alice: "Idiot. He's upstairs curling his sexy hair." -drools-

Edward: -drools-

Bella: -slaps Edward-

_Jasper appears after finishing curling his hair_

Rosalie: "Jasper looks like a lady."

Edward: "Is Rosalie speaking to us from above?"

_Bella does happy dance until Rosalie appears on the stairs_

Rosalie: -slaps Bella-

Alice: "Let's go fight the icky smelling wolves!"

Bella: "How do you fight a werewolf?"

Alice: "They fear... SCENTED PENS!"

All: "GASP!"

**One evil plan later in Jacob's house...**

Jacob: -pets doll- "Bella Jr., you look so magnificent..." -kisses his dolly-

Bella: "Ew." -nearly throws up-

Alice: "Shh!"

Jacob: "Who is there!?"

Emmett: "The po-po."

Jasper: "The fuzz."

Edward: "Coppers."

Jacob: "Am I under-arrest?"

Rosalie: "A-duh!"

Jacob: "Can I gets one phone call?"

Alice: "Fine. Whatev."

Emmett: "Like we care."

Jacob: -calls Tyson Ritters- "Dude come to my place!"

Jasper: "OMC, Tyson Ritters?! He's like sooooo good looking."

Alice: "WTH Jasper? I thought you were manly."

Jasper: "I blame Edward's vibes."

All: -Look at Edward-

Edward: "Can you blame me?"

Emmett: "Guess not. Bella might, though."

Bella: "Ya, Bella's mad."

Rosalie: "Why are you talking in 3rd person?"

Bella: "Bella doesn't know. But Bella doesn't want Edward to like Tyson, because Bella likes Tyson and she sooo has dibs on him."

Edward: "You never called dibs!"

Bella: "Bella calls dibs!"

Edward: -sigh-

Tyson: -appears-

All: -drool-

Jacob: "So Tyson these vampies are like soooo gonna get me so like could you totally sing _11:11PM _cause that'd like sooo totally be like epic."

Jasper: "Please don't speak valley girl."

Jacob: "WHATEVA!"

Tyson: -Sings- "THIS COULD BE, THIS COULD BE THE LAST TIME!!"

Jacob: "Wow that was great, marry me?"

Tyson: "Sure why not. Vegas?"

**(AN: At this point I'm gonna stop putting in quotation marks cause puttting them in is becoming very tedious. GO AWAY, QUOTATION MARKS!)**

Jacob: Yeah Vegas is cool. After Micky D's?

Tyson: Yum. But you won't fit in your dress.

Jacob: WHAT?! I'm FAT?! -slaps Tyson-

Bella: Bella wants to know, OMC DID YOU JUST SLAP A CELEBRITY?!

Alice: I THINK HE DID!!

Emmett: WE GON' AREST YOU TWICE, FOO'!

Jasper: YEEEEAH, BOY!!

Emmett: FLAVA FLAVE!!

Edward: -shakes head disapprovingly- He's gonna be in the next chapter, isn't he?

Bella: -handcuffs Jacob- You ARE Bella's slave for life, now.

Jacob: How ironic.

Tyson: I'll wait for you!! -whispers to Rosalie- No, I won't. -Skips off into rainbow-


	2. Drawing on Jacob, Flava Flave

**Drawing on Jacob (Flava Flave)**

Jacob: So I'm like handcuffed?!

Jasper: He can be taught. -feeds Jacob dogbone-

Jacob: Who cares. I can handle handcuffs.

Alice: Can you handle THESE?! -unveils SCENTED PENS-

All: Gasp!

Alice: That's right. Tangerine, Watermelon, Grape, TAKE YOUR PICK, JACOB!!

Jacob: -swallow- Apple.

Bella: Ooooh, bad pick.

Jacob: Why?

Bella: -shrugs-

Edward: Bella you mustn't shrug. Use words. Polite words.

Bella: I haven't any idea, flea-bag.

Edward: That's my girl. -kisses Bella-

Random Voice: YEEEEAH, BOY!!

Rosalie: WTH?

Jasper: Show yourself!!

Emmett: LOL Jasper that sounded wrong.

Jasper: LOL OMC LOL!

Rosalie: -sigh- -glare-

Alice: Who are you Random Voice?!

Bella: Alice don't you know already? What with your future seeing and all?

Alice: Pfft. Only when I _FEEL_ LIKE IT!

Bella: Ok, crazy.

Alice: I BEEN IN AN ASYLUM, GURL!

Edward: Of course.

Rosalie: WHO IS THE RANDOM VOICE?!

Random Voice: FLAVA FLAVE!!

Edward: Oh good gawd.

Flava Flave: YEEEEAH, BOY!!

Emmett: -claps hands- YEEEEAH, BOY!!

Flava Flave: YEEEEAH, BOY!!

Emmett: YEEEEAH, BOY!!

Flava Flave: YEEEEAH, BOY!!

Emmett: YEEEEAH, BOY!!

Flava Flave: YEEEEAH, BOY!! FLAVA FLAVE!!

Emmett: FLAVA FLAVE!!

Edward: -rips off Flava's head-

Emmett: GASP!

Edward: He had poor grammar.

Jacob: Well that's a good excuse.

Rosalie: Oh, Jacob! We forgot you were here.

Jacob: -TEAR-

Rosalie: Pfft. Whateva!

Jacob: -is drawn on by SCENTED PENS-

Alice: OMC! He looks like a... a...

Rosalie: APPLE!!

Alice: YEAH!!

Jasper: Like on the cover of our book!!

Bella: Yes Jasper. We all know that.

Jasper: -TEAR-

Edward: -draws clown face over Jacobs face-

Rosalie: OMC you drew Jacob! On Jacob!

Edward: Yeah no biggie.

Flava's head: -is thrown into the rainbow-


	3. Bella Gets Cancer, Panic! At the Disco

**Bella Gets Cancer (Panic! At the Disco)**

Jacob: -squirming- GAH! FRUITY GOODNESS!

Alice: Correct, Jacob. Now tell us, why did you torture Bella with your horrible pun?

Jacob: I thought it was funny.

Rosalie: You have no sense of humor.

Alice: Maybe Carlisle can implant humor in him.

Jacob: I will not get implants.

Emmett: LOL Jacob that sounded wrong!

Jacob: LOL OMS LOL (**AN: The Cullens say "OMC" cause Carlisle is their leader and the wolvies say "OMS" cause Sam is their leader**)

Edward: Jacob I do believe you told a horrible "Hot" joke.

Bella: -remembers- -cries-

Jasper: Can we get on with this? I want to watch _So You Think You're A Vampire?!_

Rosalie: Oh is that back on?

Jasper: YE-AH!

Rosalie: What time?

Jasper: 9:30PM

Jacob: OMS you're gonna miss it!!

Rosalie: Why?

Voices: Cause it's nine in the afternoon!!

Edward: Not this again.

Emmett: WTH is with all the "voices"? I thought Alice was the crazy one?

Alice: I BEEN IN AN ASYLUM, BOI!

Jasper: We have to go-

Voices: Back to the street where we began!

Jasper: Well, yeah, cause-

Voices: It's nine in the afternoon!

Jasper: Umm...

Voices: Your eyes are the size of the moon!

Jasper: Thank you?

Voices: We're feelin so good, just the way that we should-

Jasper: Actually we're feeling creeped out.

Jacobs Brain: -starts working-

Jacob: OMS I've heard this song!!

Cullens and Bella: -listen intently-

Jacob: IT'S _PANIC! AT THE DISCO_!

Panic! At the Disco: Let's get these teen hearts beating FASTER! FASTER!

Edward: Actually our hearts cannot beat.

Panic! At the Disco: It's much better to face these kinds of things, with a sense of poise and rationality!

Edward: -Gasps- You're a fellow fan a big words?!

Panic! At the Disco: The rooms have a hint of asbestos and maybe just a dash of formaldehyde. And the habit of decomposing right before your very (lalalala) eyes.

Edward: OMC I LOVE PANIC! AT THE DISCO!!

Panic! At the Disco: What a wonderful caricature of intimacy!

Edward: -squeal-

Jasper: Fine Edward you can bring them home.

Panic! At the Disco: Back to the room where we began!

Alice: I love you guy's outfits!!

Panic! At the Disco: -to Bella- I bet you just can't keep up with, with these fashionistas!

Bella: -TEAR- It's true.

Panic! At the Disco: I bet to them your name is cheap, I bet to them you look like S--t

Alice&Rosalie: -evil giggle-

Jasper: OMC guys come on, I want to watch _So You Think You're a Vampire?!_

Bella: Fine.

_All Cullens and Jacob (still handcuffed) Go to the Cullens house._

Jacob: You know, I had a TV back in La Push.

Alice: Whatevs.

Panic! At the Disco: Please leave all overcoats canes and top hats with the doorman!

Emmett: What doorman?

Rosalie: Just ignore them.

Everyone but Edward: -Ignore Panic! At the Disco- -watch TV-

Panic! At the Disco: Their just that unappealing!

Edward: -giggle-

Bella: I feel funny...

Panic! At the Disco: -begins to leave-

Edward: Why are you leaving?? -TEAR-

Panic! At the Disco: Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer?

Edward: GASP! You gave Bella cancer!!

Panic! At the Disco: I'm the new cancer, never looked better!!

Bella: Wait so I'm gonna look better?

Panic! At the Disco: I know it just doesn't feel like a night out with no-one sizing you up.

Bella: OMC!! TAKE THAT ALICE AND ROSALIE!!

Bellas Looks: -improve-

Alice&Rosalie: -growl-

Panic! At the Disco: You can't stand it!!

Rosalie: -throws Panic! At the Disco out the window-

Edward: -TEAR-

Panic! At the Disco: -runs away into rainbow-


	4. The Fun Slapping Game, Metro Station

**The Fun Slapping Game (Metro Station)**

Jasper&Rosalie: -stare at TV-

TV: -goes off-

Jasper&Rosalie: AHHHHHHHHHH!! WHAT _HAPPENED_??

Bella: The TV broke!!

Emmett: What should we do?

_Metro Station Appears_

Metro Station: Shake it!

_Jasper desperately shakes the television_

TV: -isn't fixed-

Jasper: Your advice sucks!!

Metro Station: Shake shake shake shake shake it!

Rosalie: GO AWAY WE'RE HAVING A MOMENT!!

Metro Station: -takes the metro out of town-

Jasper&Rosalie: -TEAR-

Jacob: Guys it's just TV.

Jasper: Just-

Rosalie: TV?!

Alice: You're in for it Jacob. I suggest we fix the TV!

Bella: Hey Jacobs like a mechanic except you don't have to pay him you just have to fake a relationship and act upset when you can't see him anymore.

Jacob: Yeah totally.

Emmett: Jakey-poo! Let's be BFF!

Jacob: -hugs Emmett-

Emmett: -shudders from hug- Can you fix my TV Jakey-poo?

Jacob: Sure thing pal! -takes out handy dandy tools- So why do you want the TV fixed?

Emmett: Cause then Rosey will-

Jacob: Will what?

Emmett: Oh, nothing. -giggles to self-

Alice: Oh grow up Emmett.

Bella: -gags thinking about Emmett and Rosalie-

TV: -is fixed by Jacob-

Emmett: I can't see you anymore.

Jacob: -TEAR-

Emmett: -FAKE TEAR THAT SEEMS REAL-

Jasper&Rosalie: OMC IT'S BACKKKKK!

TV: That's all for tonight, folks!

Jasper&Rosalie: NOOOOOOOO!

Edward: Get a life.

Rosalie: My life was already taken. -TEAR-

Edward: Wow way to be a downer.

Alice: Yeah this fanfic is categorized under 'Humor' not 'Rosalies Despair'

Rosalie: -crawls into corner as to not disturb the fanfic-

Emmett: We should cheer her up.

Bella: How?

Metro Station: -comes back- Shake it!

Rosalie: -is shaken too pieces-

Alice: LOL let's play jigsaw now!!

Bella: Or Twister!

Edward: Twister?

Bella: You know, "Left leg here"?

Edward: Oh I get it now.

Rosalie: -is put together by help of the twister spinning thing-

Jasper: TADA!!

Rosalie: Why is my hand on my heart?

Bella: It said "Right hand on black"

Rosalie: Black?

Bella: You know, like your heart.

Rosalie: -slaps Bella-

Edward: -slaps Rosalie-

Emmett: -slaps Edward-

Bella: -slaps Emmett-

Bella: OWWWWW!!

Edward: -slaps Emmett-

Rosalie: -slaps Edward-

Bella: -is about to slap Rosalie but stops because her hand hurts-

Emmett: Trust Bella to ruin the fun slapping game.

Bella: -TEAR-

Metro Station: -gets bored and takes the metro into the rainbow-


	5. No Attention for Jacob, SFID

**I haven't gotten a single review so I can't tell if this is a good story or not. You guys can help by reviewing!! SO PLEASE REVIEW! Reviews make me smile!**

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No Attention for Jacob (Some famous introducer dude)

Jacob: -sighs-

Alice: What, Jacob? Gosh you're so NEEDY!

Jacob: I'm handcuffed, not needy.

Alice: NEEDY!

Jacob: Anyhoo, the TV is getting more attention than me!

Jasper: He is needy, isn't he?

Edward: Very.

Jacob: -pout-

Alice: So what's your point?

Jacob: I'm hungry and I have to poo!

Alice: NEEDY!

Jacob: I am NOT needy, I just have needs!!

Emmett: -snicker-

Rosalie: -warning glance at Emmett- Don't say it.

Emmett: Say what?

Rosalie: -glare-

Emmett: Jacob that sounded-

Rosalie: Don't! Say! It!

Emmett: That sounded wrong Jacob! LOL

Rosalie: -throws Emmett into the blender- -pushes button-

Emmett: PAIN! THE PAIN!!

Rosalie: STOP SAYING IT!!

__

Emmett is mangled into lots of pieces. Bella was about to go get Twister but Edward said no.

Bella: -pout-

Edward: -sigh-

Jacob: OMS now I've lost the attention to Emmett. COULD THIS GET ANY WORSE?!

Emmett: Yeah, you could lose the attention to Jasper.

Jacob: True.

Jasper: What?! Suddenly I'M public enemy #1?! OhMyCarlisle Guys. Oh. My. Carlisle.

Rosalie: We all saw this coming Jasper. You have a problem.

Alice: Nobody is going to judge you.

Jasper: I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!

Rosalie: Calm down Jasper. We're all friends here.

Alice: This is an intervention.

Jasper: I SAID I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!

Alice: Are you sure you haven't done AquaDots?

Rosalie: Tell us the truth, Jasper.

Jasper: -TEAR- It's true!! I LOVE AQUADOTS.

Alice: There, there. -pats back- Admitting it is the first step. And nobody will judge you.

Emmett: OMC YOU DO AQUADOTS?! YOU SEA-COW!!

Rosalie: EMMETT DON'T JUDGE HIM!! TIME FOR PUNISHMENT!! AND HOW DID YOU EVEN COME BACK TO LIFE, ANYWAY?

Emmett: NOO!!

__

Rosalie takes Emmett into the living room and tapes his eyes open. Then she goes to the TV and turns on the educational channels. Emmett the gets chained to a chair and forced to watch EDUCATIONAL TELEVISION!!

Emmett: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!!

Rosalie: I DO! UNFORTUNATELY YOU'RE DUMB SOMETIMES AND WELL, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS!

Bella: Educational Television? Harsh.

Rosalie: -shrug-

Jacob: I've lost the attention to Jasper. And Emmett. And Educational Television. -sob-

Bella: You're point, dog?

Jacob: I have no meaning in my life!!

Bella: You're point, dog?

Jacob: I think I'll go die!!

Bella: You're point, dog?

Jacob: -TEAR- -sob-

Bella: Jacob is so overly dramatic.

Edward: Yeah, he is. Wanna go to our cottage?

Bella: Oooooh yes.

Bella&Edward: -leave- (5 seconds later) -lots of noise...-

Rosalie: Grossssssss!

Alice: I know, right?

Jacob: -has lost attention again-

Alice: OMC! Guess who's at the door!! IT'S (drumroll) Some famous introducer dude!!

Some famous introducer dude: -comes in door- Hello!! Allow me to introduce, MYSELF!

Rosalie: Wow your almost as in love with yourself as me.

Alice: Yeah. Can you introduce whoever and get out?

Some famous introducer dude: Fine. Please Welcome, Carlisle, Esme and Renesmee!!

Clapping: -erupts from nowhere-

Carlisle: -enters-

Esme: -enters-

Renesmee: -enters-

Carlisle: Hello my sexy loves!!

Some famous introducer dude: -feels awkward and runs into the rainbow-

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**So, as said before, I haven't had any reviews yet, and there's this really pretty button right below this (ITS PURPLE!)**


	6. Emo Domination, Chace Crawford

**Emo Domination (Chace Crawford)**

All: -silence-

Edward: Carlisle did you just call us your sexy loves?

Carlisle: Right love muffin!

Edward: ...

Esme: So have you all been good?

Emmett: We arrested Jacob!

Esme: RAWR!

Emmett: Why are you mad?

Esme: I WANTED TO ARREST JACOB! -pout-

Alice: How about we untie him and you can arrest him again.

Esme: IT'S NOT THE SAME! -TEAR- -crawls into corner- -writes in emo diary-

Alice: How can we cheer you up?

Esme: Chace Crawford!

Rosalie: OH.MY.CARLISLE.HE.IS.SO.YUMMY!!

Emmett: -gasp- I thought I was yummy?

Rosalie: You are. In a different way. Like a flower and old tuna. You're the tuna.

Emmett: -TEAR- -crawls into corner and writes with Esme-

Esme&Emmett: (writing) _They don't care, They don't care, They don't care... OMC is that Chace Crawford?!_

Esme: -fangirl scream-

Chace Crawford: -Walks in-

Room: -is filled with beauty-

Jacob: You sir are magnificent.

Chace: Yes indeedy.

Bella: Jake I thought you and Tyson were getting married in Vegas?

Jacob: I'll deal with him in the next chapter. Take me away, Chace!

_Jacob procedes to jump in Chace's arms and be carried out the door_

Esme: Chace is gone already? -long string of curse words no one would expect Esme to say-

Emmett: Cool it. Write out your feelings -hands emo diary-

Esme: -silently takes emo diary upstairs-

Emmett: -sigh- -follows Esme with another emo diary-

Bella: -is pissed because Jacob got both Tyson Ritters and Chace Crawford-

Alice: -is also pissed-

Rosalie: -is also pissed-

Esme: -is also pissed-

Renesmee: -is also pissed-

Jasper: WHY ARE ALL THE FEMALES PISSED?!

Alice: IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE HEAT GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN!!

Jasper: THIS IS MY KITCHEN! AND I HATE THAT SHOW!!

Alice: WE'RE NOT IN THE KITCHEN!

Jasper: -walks into kitchen- NOW I AM! I CAN'T HANDLE THE HEAT! -walks out-

Rosalie: That was really pointless, Jasper.

Jasper: Life is pointless!! -runs upstairs to join Esme and Emmett-

Rosalie: Why is everyone going emo?!

Alice: It's all the rage.

Esme: -rolls eyes- Kids these days.

Alice: OH, YEAH?! WELL IN 4 MONTHS EMO PEOPLE WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD! YOU WOULD BE WISE TO JOIN THEM! -jumps through (yes, through) the ceiling and joins emo's-

_At about this time Jake and Chace come back_

Carlisle: Well, it's just me, Rosalie and Nessie now.

Jacob: Still here... -goes unnoticed-

Renesmee: Nessie? I hate that name. The creepy stalker mutt came up with it. (**AN: Don't hate me crazy Jacob fan-girls. See it from Renesmee's position, Jacob is very stalker-ish**)

Jacob: Aww, Nessie... -again unnoticed-

Carlisle: Very well, Renesmee.

Renesmee: Thank you! -adorable hug-

Audience: Awwwww!

Rosalie: Don't I get a hug, Renesmee? (**She just wants attention!!:-O**)

Renesmee: Of course auntie Rose -hugs-

Audience: Awwwww!

Jacob: How about me, Nessie? -is finally noticed-

Renesmee: Ew. Why are you in my house? I thought we all agreed we were not getting a puppy?! GET OUT DOG!

Jacob: Whatever you want, Nessie!

Rosalie: Out. Now.

Jacob: That insults me coming from Blondie. _I shall seek revenge!!_

Rosalie: -proceeds to hit Jacob with a broom until he gets out-

Chace: THANK GAWD.

Rosalie: WTH?

Chace: That stupid dog was all over me! I was just waiting for him to go away!

Renesmee: We have something in common!

Chace: Oh, we do!

Renesmee: Will you be my husband?

Chace: OF COURSE!

Renesmee: :D

Alice: -stops being emo- WEDDING PLANS! WEDDING PLANS!

Renesmee: Noooo! -tries to hide-

Alice: Nice try, Renesmee! But I can see better than you as I am fully vampire! SO HA!

Renesmee: -TEAR-

Audience: Awwww!

Chace: Alice, don't talk like that to my woman.

Renesmee: You are so caring!

Alice: Fine. But I _will_ do wedding plans. I WILL!

Chace: -can see the rainbow in the distance but doesn't go into it because he loves Renesmee-

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**Wondering where Eddie and Bella are? Bedroom. 'Nuff said...**


	7. Carlisle's Bringing SexyBack, TR returns

**(Short chapter, I know.)**

**Carlisle is Bringing Sexy Back (Tyson Ritters Returns)**

Alice: -spazzes over wedding-

Chace: We should have doves flying!

Renesmee: You are so romantic!

Jacob: -claws at the window but is not let in-

Chace: Let me take care of that for you! -closes curtains-

Renesmee: You are so thoughtful!

Emmett: OMC Renesmee, I love you and all but STFU already!!

Jacob: -breaks in- Don't talk like that to my woman!

Tyson: -reappears from the rainbow- Jacob? I thought we had something special!

Bella: It's ok Tyson! You can always settle for me!

Tyson: Ou, nice!

Edward: Bella, wth?

Tyson: Your loss, dude!

_Bella and Tyson disappear together!_

Emmett: Don't worry Eddiekins, I'm here for you.

Rose: Emmett, wth?

Emmett: I'm sorry Rose, I... I thought you knew.

Edward: -puts his arm around Emmett- I mean, really, we're sparkly men. What do you expect?

Jasper: -is really creeped out right now-

Carlisle: Now I can finally do something I've always wanted to. -walks to the middle of the room, flicks a switch, and suddenly starts singing "I'm Bringing Sexy Back" with questionable dance moves-

Esme: -disoriented- Um...

Edward+Emmett: -join Carlisle, singing all the high parts-

Alice: MY EYES... AND EARS...

Jasper: -overcome with the guys emotions, finally joins them as well-

Carlisle: Jasper... your so hot right now.

Jasper: -throws up a little-


End file.
